Is this “the most bonkers gadget of the year”?

“Please see below for a new announcement from thumbsUp! and the most bizarre desktop distraction we’ve seen yet – Mi Train Journey. Simply insert your smartphone into the train window and play your journey of choice – see the GIF file attached for a demonstration.”

WHAT DOUG DID TO ME

doug said

he said
okay 
im going to give you a piggy back
but you need to be naked
so i said ok
and i tried to climb on his back
but he said hold on 
i need to be lying down first
now climb on, from the front
and before i knew it
i had my dong in his mouth

i was like EW doug what are you doing
i thought you were with patti
and he said patti? that stuck up prude bitch? now come here you filthy little CUNT

and he hit me on the face and tied his fucking green sweater vest around my face

and it stank of cigarettes and alcohol


and every time he thrust at my face
he would just keep yelling and yelling
it wasnt even words

like they sounded like they could be but they were not.

sounds like

like BIRRU PIP

then he started cutting himself

and cutting me

and he rubbed our cuts together and he said NOW THAT WE’RE BLOOD BROTHERS YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE SHIT YOU FUCKING FILTHY GOD DAMN SHITPUSHER

the next thing i knew i woke up in the hospital with two broken ribs and instead of hands and feet, there were horse hooves

that’s my story

a judge ordered he put my hands and feet back

but the damage was y done

Trollbeads Launches World Tour Collection [fixed]

Today I got an email called ‘Trollbeads Launches World Tour Collection’. I read it as trollbeards and it’s the most gutted I’ve felt opening an email since Western Union refused to transfer my payment to a young Nigerian prince who needed some small foreign investment to open up his enormous assets, so I fixed it using the modest Wordpad’s ‘replace’ function:

Trollbeards Launches World Tour Collection

Trollbeards launches their global World Tour beard collection. The eye-catching charm beards were originally introduced and exclusively available only in the countries that they represent. You would normally have to trot the globe to collect each beard, but for the first time ever they are now available as a full collection in the UK while stocks last. The selection of artistic and inventive beards are specifically designed to capture and celebrate each country’s history and culture.

The patriotic collection allows you to embrace your heritage, reminisce about the countries you have travelled to, or collect a selection or styles for a beautifully coloured diverse piece of jewellery. The World Tour range is available in its entirety in the UK for a limited time period from 15th June 2012.

The Trollbeards World Tour concept targets selected nations around the globe including Australia, Austria, Denmark, Germany, Hong Kong, Italy, Japan, The Baltic States, The Netherlands, South Africa, Switzerland, the United Kingdom and the United States.

Choose from the sterling silver Windmill to represent Holland, the Sydney Harbor beard for Australia, the Pride Lion for Africa or the silver Spaghetti charm which is typical of Italy. The collection also offers beautiful brightly coloured glass beards including the Star Spangled American beard and the Rising Sun beard for Japan. A new “Big World” silver globe beard unifies the collection of 52 styles.

Collect these styles to update your existing unique bracelet, or select your favourite one on a silver chain to start your collection.

Trollbeards are available from over 450 UK jewellers both online and offline.

Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin Laura Sheeran’s phenomenal LP

This morning I got an email which changed everything.

Immediately, I thought, that’s it. Music’s finished. Nothing will be more phenomenal than this.

This is more phenomenal than Woodstock.

This is more phenomenal than Dylan going electric.

I’ve gone through the records. I’ve smashed up the Blue Beat originals. The White Album is now a hot, melted puddle.

What’s the point?

Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin’s phenomenal LP is on the way.

You know.

I thought it couldn’t get much better than Ed Sheeran.

But when I heard the news, that Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin was making music, I thought Ed Sheeran should give up.Ishould give up.

I threw my guitar out of the window.

I put my phone on silent.

I’ve muted my computer.

Stamped on my head phones.

Put all my books in the bin.

Smashed up my TV.

Fingers in my ears.

Eyes tightly shut.

I spread layers and layers of duct tape over my lips, lest I accidentally whistle. I was aware of the sound of my tongue moving. I didn’t want to hear anything any more. There was no point. I tore off the duct tape, reached for the pliers and plucked my tongue out. I reapplied the duct tape, my mouth gushing with blood.

I’ve cut myself off from everything, now.

All sights, sounds, literature.

Now I spend all day, cross legged on the floor, happy in the blissful knowledge that Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin’s phenomenal LP is out soon.

Buddhist monks pursue a highter state of realisation. Of reaching total ego death.

Who would have known, that all it would have taken, is Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin Laura Sheeran’s phenomenal LP, What the World Knows.

STAYING SAFE IN LONDON

Here are some ways to stay safe in London that travelers should be aware of, according to Wikitravel.

LONDON IN GENERAL

• You should watch out for con artists. Wikitravel warns of a particularly diabolical scheme: “In a well-known scam, an older gentleman will ask you for directions, convincing you that he thought you were English.” This scam “has been used for over ten years”.

BRIXTON

• If you want to buy drugs, don’t immediately reach for the wallet when you step off the tube. Wikitravel advises: “There are many drug dealers (marijuana, cocaine, ket) who may approach visitors as soon as they get off the tube at Brixton”. You’ll also want to watch out for “other Yardi con man”. 
• “Wandering down any poorly lit back-streets is always a risk, as anywhere in London”. 

PECKHAM

• Peckham is “more dangerous” than Brixton, so be on the look out, especially for the “many young wannabe gangsters looking for their next jackin’ or beef”. 

HACKNEY

• Hackney becomes “much more dangerous at night” and it would be “highly foolish to go out walking alone”.

THE EAST END

• Never forget that the “people of the East End have pride in their homes”, so tread carefully in pubs in places like Whitechapel, Mile End and Bethnal Green.
• It is also helpful to avoid the mention of football. 

CAMDEN

• If you are looking for a bargain, you’re better off avoiding Camden. Among the fake goods which are “found in abundance in Camden” are “Bolex watches, etc.” Refunds are “not common”.

CROYDON

• On Thursdays, Croydon town centre becomes very popular because TigerTiger is open to under 21s. 

CLAPHAM

• “After dark take care when walking through Clapham Common, there is muggers and a lot of gay men who are out for cottaging and dogging”.

some of myfavourite polar bear jokes

i found this great website for polar bear jokes so here are someo f my top picks:

Amaruq (while looking at Irniq in the hospital bed): ”So there it was… this HUGE polar bear… just laying there… and Irniq says, ‘Do you think its dead - or just asleep?’”

Tourist at the hospital: ”I heard that bear bells were good to have if you’re hiking in polar bear country. The hard part was getting them on that bear!”

Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?
A: Just paddle across - all the polar bears are at the big animal meeting - don’t you remember?

Q: Have you ever seen a man-eating polar bear?
A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

theres loads more here