servants specified in employment agreements that they would not eat lobster more than twice per week. Lobster was also commonly served in prisons, much to the displeasure of inmates

"and when i get home
i’m going to say this:
honey i’m home, oh i forgot i’m not married
just like michelle pfiffer or however you spell her name when she played cat woman
and then she fell out a window and cats ate her hands"

ronpaulfuneralcity:

Miraculous 1000 meter wide blackbird egg hauled to the consecration ceremony of Ron Paul’s Funeral City, 350,000,000 dead

RON PAUL’S FUNERAL CITY, 350,000,000 DEAD!

Is this “the most bonkers gadget of the year”?

Please see below for a new announcement from thumbsUp! and the most bizarre desktop distraction we’ve seen yet – Mi Train Journey. Simply insert your smartphone into the train window and play your journey of choice – see the GIF file attached for a demonstration.”

WHAT DOUG DID TO ME

doug said

he said
okay 
im going to give you a piggy back
but you need to be naked
so i said ok
and i tried to climb on his back
but he said hold on 
i need to be lying down first
now climb on, from the front
and before i knew it
i had my dong in his mouth

i was like EW doug what are you doing
i thought you were with patti
and he said patti? that stuck up prude bitch? now come here you filthy little CUNT

and he hit me on the face and tied his fucking green sweater vest around my face

and it stank of cigarettes and alcohol


and every time he thrust at my face
he would just keep yelling and yelling
it wasnt even words

like they sounded like they could be but they were not.

sounds like


like BIRRU PIP

then he started cutting himself

and cutting me

and he rubbed our cuts together and he said NOW THAT WE’RE BLOOD BROTHERS YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE SHIT YOU FUCKING FILTHY GOD DAMN SHITPUSHER

the next thing i knew i woke up in the hospital with two broken ribs and instead of hands and feet, there were horse hooves

that’s my story

a judge ordered he put my hands and feet back

but the damage was y done

Trollbeads Launches World Tour Collection [fixed]

Today I got an email called ‘Trollbeads Launches World Tour Collection’. I read it as trollbeards and it’s the most gutted I’ve felt opening an email since Western Union refused to transfer my payment to a young Nigerian prince who needed some small foreign investment to open up his enormous assets, so I fixed it using the modest Wordpad’s ‘replace’ function:

Trollbeards Launches World Tour Collection

Trollbeards launches their global World Tour beard collection. The eye-catching charm beards were originally introduced and exclusively available only in the countries that they represent. You would normally have to trot the globe to collect each beard, but for the first time ever they are now available as a full collection in the UK while stocks last. The selection of artistic and inventive beards are specifically designed to capture and celebrate each country’s history and culture.

The patriotic collection allows you to embrace your heritage, reminisce about the countries you have travelled to, or collect a selection or styles for a beautifully coloured diverse piece of jewellery. The World Tour range is available in its entirety in the UK for a limited time period from 15th June 2012.

The Trollbeards World Tour concept targets selected nations around the globe including Australia, Austria, Denmark, Germany, Hong Kong, Italy, Japan, The Baltic States, The Netherlands, South Africa, Switzerland, the United Kingdom and the United States.

Choose from the sterling silver Windmill to represent Holland, the Sydney Harbor beard for Australia, the Pride Lion for Africa or the silver Spaghetti charm which is typical of Italy. The collection also offers beautiful brightly coloured glass beards including the Star Spangled American beard and the Rising Sun beard for Japan. A new “Big World” silver globe beard unifies the collection of 52 styles.

Collect these styles to update your existing unique bracelet, or select your favourite one on a silver chain to start your collection.

Trollbeards are available from over 450 UK jewellers both online and offline.

Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin Laura Sheeran’s phenomenal LP

This morning I got an email which changed everything.

Immediately, I thought, that’s it. Music’s finished. Nothing will be more phenomenal than this.

This is more phenomenal than Woodstock.

This is more phenomenal than Dylan going electric.

I’ve gone through the records. I’ve smashed up the Blue Beat originals. The White Album is now a hot, melted puddle.

What’s the point?

Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin’s phenomenal LP is on the way.

You know.

I thought it couldn’t get much better than Ed Sheeran.

But when I heard the news, that Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin was making music, I thought Ed Sheeran should give up.Ishould give up.

I threw my guitar out of the window.

I put my phone on silent.

I’ve muted my computer.

Stamped on my head phones.

Put all my books in the bin.

Smashed up my TV.

Fingers in my ears.

Eyes tightly shut.

I spread layers and layers of duct tape over my lips, lest I accidentally whistle. I was aware of the sound of my tongue moving. I didn’t want to hear anything any more. There was no point. I tore off the duct tape, reached for the pliers and plucked my tongue out. I reapplied the duct tape, my mouth gushing with blood.

I’ve cut myself off from everything, now.

All sights, sounds, literature.

Now I spend all day, cross legged on the floor, happy in the blissful knowledge that Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin’s phenomenal LP is out soon.

Buddhist monks pursue a highter state of realisation. Of reaching total ego death.

Who would have known, that all it would have taken, is Ed Sheeran’s First Cousin Laura Sheeran’s phenomenal LP, What the World Knows.

STAYING SAFE IN LONDON

Here are some ways to stay safe in London that travelers should be aware of, according to Wikitravel.

LONDON IN GENERAL

BRIXTON

PECKHAM

HACKNEY

THE EAST END

CAMDEN

CROYDON

CLAPHAM

im into this purpy thing

apparently shots fired at virginia tech 4 years on from last time. but have a nice day with the nokia lumia!

apparently shots fired at virginia tech 4 years on from last time. but have a nice day with the nokia lumia!