A FILM BY SAMAYA HAWGHAN
Cancer bear wanted to say fuck off to chemo and go to Disneyland, but I said no.
i met raven at the consumer electronics show in lost wages and she and her man were lovely, he put me in a taxi when i indulged in too much free shrimp* *alcohol and was bumping into security who would have loved an excuse to shoot me (probably). and i think raven even said she liked my stripey jumper but i might have imagined that
- ---: true but what do i say
- me: Did you hear about this one time I barfed all over my butt and then I pooped the barf out my butt and my mum walked in and she was so grossed out she started puking but the puke went all over my butt and I pooped that puke out again
- ---: hahah
- me: ok how about this one
- I remember this one time when I was on stage giving a presentation and I was sweating a little, right, but not too much. Suddenly I felt the need to piss.. but I was on stage! So I turned around and pissed a little but I played it out by sort of rubbing the piss all over my armpits and chest and no one noticed so it just looked like i was sweaty, but i looked so sweaty in my piss that everyone thought i was this disgusting sweating creature and it was so embarrassing
- ---: haha i hate you
- me: do you want some more ideas
- ---: i am NERVOUS
- me: OK so how about you say
- I am as nervous as this one time I was in court for shoplifting a jar of gherkins so I stuffed the gherkins down my crotch and claimed to be a man but then the store security guy grabbed my crotch and he said this is a jar not a crotch and I went to prison but I felt like I kind of fit in, in prison
autocorrect i hope
- me: what you on bro? im pretty sleepy.will have a far,next is????????? xxxxxxxxx
- emily: Haha that text doesn't make much sense tamlin.
today a stranger asked me for directions
right by london fields station. he said: “what way is it to a better life?” and i didn’t know what to say. i was going to the pub.